There are days where I just don't have the words. But the movie I'm watching says it perfectly. But the song I'm listening to says exactly what my heart is saying. Something in me is crying all the time. I don't know if it's as cliche as my heart or my soul...

But I'm breathing just enough air to stay floating. I'm listless and unattached. I'm euphoric. I'm imaginary. I'm frivolous. I'm rare. I'm intangible.

I'm heartbroken.

This is something I wrote in November in California-

The moons glow dances across the breaking waves. The faint taste of 6 dollar wine rests on the back of my tongue. I'm comfortable. I'm warm. The tops of my fingers are the only tell that the wind is out tonight, ready to play. It chooses nighttime to take full leaps off of cliffs across sands and through trees. The ccean loves the night to play and laugh with the rolling rocks. It knows only at night can it be free. Be who it wants to be. The cliffs are unmoving. They sit quietly like the old men do on their porches. Some are crotchety and rough, others crumble at the sight of you. Ah-the night. Here she is. You can fear her but when did fearing the inevitable to anyone any good?

The Beach...again

This time I wasnt at the beach alone. I went with three very wonderful guys. These guys perpetually keep me laughing and feeling good about myself, life and randomness that comes our way.

This was the third day I was trying to surf. The first day I tried it, I was with Adam ( one of the guys) and I was standing up and riding the wave. ( Mind you this was a little farther in when the waves would crash closer to the shore. I mean it was my first time after all so its ok..) The second time I went with my really good friend Garrett ( not a part of these friends but a close friend none-the-less) and he didnt really help me at all and just stole the board from me most of the time.

Today was different. I was super jazzed to go out there with Adam and rise to the occasion. The air was more cooler than usual, or what I'm accustomed to. The sun was shining bright as it does here in Southern California and there were sparce clumps of very white clouds slowly sliding across the sky, often in front of the sun. I picked up the blue foam long-board one of our friends bought from Costco and began to follow Adam to the water feeling very sure of myself. I could have been satisfied just walking around with a surf board under my arm.

Adam and I walked out to the water. We set our boards on the water and skimmed them as we trodded deeper into the chilling water, both of us whispering obscenities under our breath with each new wave. Once we got used to it and had dived under, Adam jumped on and paddled gracefully ( and with apparent experience out to the break of GOOD waves) while I stood there just about knee deep struggling to no end trying to get past the walls of crashing waves. After numerous tiring wipeouts ( just standing mind you) I was finally able to get to a point where I could surf like I had the first time. I sat on the board facing toward the waves utill my best judgemnt told me "this is the wave!" I laid down and turned around facing the shore and braced myself. I looked back and saw that it was time to paddle. I started paddling like a 3 year old just learning to swim alone. When I felt like I had enough momentum I gracefully put one knee up to stand and as I tried to spread my feet, the board nose dived and submerged JUST in time for the wave ( which felt a lot like a brick wall) crashed on me, under me and all around me throwing me in every direction.....with a board attatched to my ankle. Its scary enough flipping around under the water as you plunge in some direction, let alone visualizing the board snapping back and slamming into your face. After this entire process happened three times in a row, I decided to call it quits.
I hobbled back to the towel, out of breath in a way I've never felt before. Compeltely sure I was bleeding internally somwhere. I got back to the towel and Tony said, "check out your knee sweetie" I look down and I have a raised gash in my knee bleeding down my leg.
Having the war wound ( which was a little smaller than 1/2 an inch) made everything okay and I hobbled off down the beach to the rocks and looked for seashells with the 13 year old girls for the rest of the time.

I love the beach.

Today I went to the beach alone, which was beautiful. I took my guitar and headed for Buccaneer Beach in Oceanside. I parked and walked toward the beach, and as I was walking over the teeny tiny bridge, there was a woman with a large basin of bubbles and a wand just a tad smaller than a tennis raquet making the most beautiful bubbles. They sometimes came out to the size of a small child and waddled slightly above the ground staggering through the air. Most of these child-sized bubbles traveled under the tiny bridge and out of sight. I looked over at the woman making the them, and she dipped her raquet in the basin and lifted her arm in a sweeing delicate motion and ever so slightly began to wiggle her arm to release the bubble mix from the wand to create these bubbles. They were beautiful. There were miniature spectrums in each giving off a florescent and incandescent look. On top of all of that just with the BUBBLES, there were these two young boys, one about 2 the other about 3 or 4, chasing them from the womans chair to the bridge and I watched them disapear under the bridge with the bubbles and emerge wildly with huge smiles on their faces ready for more. and again she waved her arm delicately and turgid bubbles would weeve their way under the bridge.

It almost seemed like the bubles took a form and life of their own and were trying to escape and live their bubble life. sometimes this plan was foiled by the boys, who sometimes where the exact same size of the bubbles from head to toe , sometimes air itself would crush their plan of survival or you would watch them disapear under the bridge and never see them again.

I couldnt help thikning how beautiful this was and if i could paint or sketch real-life like what i was seeing, i would have has a moving picture. Same with a camera. I only had my iPhone and I have yet to see the pictures I took with it (it was NOT creepy at all...unless someones saw me..then...........maybe).

It was such a beautiful experience at the beach today. I played guitar, watched the enormous waves crash in with surfers skimming the whiteness of them.

Everyday I remember that I live in california. Alone. and that i am happier than I have ever been.

Happy single, with the perfect apt, perfect classes, perfect school, perfect play...et cetera....there is NOTHING more that i want and i thank God everyday for that.

This bloggin thing is actually interesting. I wonder who will read?